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For personal use and select distribution only © February 2002 by Amber Stockton
The Man Who Died Twice - tagalogue
Written by Cynthia Benjamin (excerpts from the episode belong to her)
"Well, no one's ever safe in this job, you know that. That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Lee turned his head away and looked down at his hands. "Amanda ... the horses, and the softball games and the backyard are going to have to wait."
She nodded. "I know that."
He looked her in the eyes. "But I am going to marry you, Amanda King. Except it's gonna to have to be a ... mystery marriage. Because if it isn't, one day our family might get in trouble, just like Kai's."
"We'll make the best of it!"
Lee looked down at his hands again. "I've got you."
Amanda reached out, then lifted his head with her finger and turned it to meet hers. "And I've got you." Her voice was firm, but her eyes told him how she really felt.
Lee smiled. Amanda returned his grin, leaning towards him as he leaned towards her. They closed their eyes as their lips met, sealing their promise to each other with a kiss. Lee's arms wrapped around her waist to draw her closer, never breaking their kiss.
Amanda pulled back a few moments later and sighed. "Mystery marriage, huh? Is that kind of like a marriage that doesn't exist?"
"To everyone else, yes." Lee tightened his hold and lowered his voice. "But to us, it will be very real."
Amanda already knew the answer, but had to ask. "Mother and the boys?"
"To be honest? I don't know. I do know I won't be moving in with you, and we won't be buying a house together ... although that's what I would definitely rather do," he quickly amended.
Amanda glanced down. "Me, too."
Lee touched his forehead to hers and encouraged her eyes to meet his. "But, I do feel we should be honest with your family, at least as honest as we can be without jeopardizing their safety."
She reached out and took his hands in hers, holding them in her lap. "Well, we've pretty much kept everything about our relationship a secret from them. Breaking them in slowly shouldn't be a problem. Perhaps by the time they're used to us together, we'll have figured out a solution to all of this. We'll be able to be completely honest about our relationship. Then, we can have that wedding with all our friends and family and buy that house up in Rockville."
"I know I won't give up on working this out. For the first time in my life, I have a chance to have everything I ever wanted, and I'll be damned if my work at the Agency is going to stop me from having it!"
Amanda could see Lee getting upset, so she tried to calm him in a practical, yet soothing, voice. "Keep in mind that it's not going to be easy. Your work at the Agency has just been you. I don't know one single field agent who is married with a family. Once that happens, they move to administrative or another government position."
Lee squeezed her hands. "Believe me, Amanda, I'm well aware of the risks involved, more so now after dealing with this case with Kai, and I don't intend to do anything that will backfire and cause harm to come to you or your family." He abruptly released her hands and stood, then turned his back on her as he took a few steps towards the other side of the gazebo. "But, damn it, Amanda! It just makes me so ... angry ... when I think about everything in my life that's been taken from me in one form or another. Most of it has been because of either my involvement or my parents' involvement with the government. I can't even enjoy being engaged without the constant reminder that we have to keep it a secret."
He clenched his fists at his side. She jumped when he slammed his left fist into the palm of his right hand. A part of her wanted to say something to stop him from getting so upset. Another part knew he needed to let this out. She was just as frustrated, but she also knew what it was like trying to balance a family and her work at the Agency. Lee was a loner. He wasn't fully aware of everything, not the way he would be once they were married, and her family became his responsibility, too. That knowledge alone made her sit quietly as he expressed his extreme frustration.
He turned around to face her. "I told you after we left Kai's wife and children that it could be you one day in that same situation. It could be Philip or Jamie that's kidnapped for one reason or another." Turning away again, he exhaled a sigh mixed with a groan of resentment. "I don't remember much of my childhood, but I do remember my mother sitting up at night, waiting for my father to come home, the worry and concern etched across her face. She did her best to reassure me, but I knew the truth. Each time he came home late, I knew she was afraid. Now, I know firsthand why.
"I lost my parents because of their work with the government. We weren't able to be a true family because my parents had to constantly worry about their enemies out there and what might happen if one of them should take revenge. When they were killed, and I went to live with the Colonel, we moved so much. I never knew what it was like to have a home and real friends. Since I've been working with the Agency, I can count on one hand the number of true relationships I've had, and the members of Barnstorm don't count."
Amanda heard the hurt in his voice. She ached to reach out and touch him, hold him, do something to comfort him and share his pain. Slowly, she rose from the bench and tentatively approached him, coming to stand behind his left shoulder. He remained silent for a moment or two, then took several deep breaths. She reached out to place her hand on his arm and give him a reassuring squeeze. Words weren't needed, but she wanted to let him know she was there.
After several moments of silence, Lee sighed and continued, this time in a much more reflective voice. "Everything I've ever really wanted in my life has been taken away from me. So, I built a wall around myself and tried to make myself believe that I didn't really need or want any of that. I convinced myself that I was happy living as a loner, that I was footloose and free to do as I pleased without any commitments or responsibilities. I thought that life suited me."
His right hand came to rest on top of hers. A moment later, Lee turned around to face her. The loving smile that appeared on his lips caused Amanda's breath to catch. A small warmth began in her fingertips at his touch, spreading up her arm and reaching straight into her heart.
"Then, I met you, and my whole world ... my whole existence was turned upside down." He took both of her hands in his and tenderly gazed into her eyes. "You made me see everything I was missing and made me want to have everything I always told myself I didn't want. I made fun of the 'normal' life you led outside of the Agency. Deep inside, a part of me wanted that more than anything. I was just didn't want to admit it. If I did, it would just mean more disappointment, knowing that it was something I couldn't have." His hold on her hands became a little tighter. She saw the muscle in his jaw flex once or twice. "Do you realize that we can't even get excited about planning our wedding or shopping for a house without the realities of our work throwing a wet blanket over everything?"
Amanda nodded and sighed. "I know."
"You know, there's a part of me that wants to throw it all away, just forget about the dangers involved or the risks we would be taking, and plan that wedding you and I both deserve." His thumbs absentmindedly stroked the backs of her hands. "Then, we wouldn't have to worry about how it would affect our work, because we wouldn't be involved in any of it, anymore. I could take that administrative job. We could work together and be public about our relationship, our marriage, everything."
"Lee, that all sounds just wonderful, but..."
"But, then I think about leaving the field, and..."
"And you realize that you wouldn't really be happy sitting behind a desk," she finished for him.
He sighed and looked down. "No, I wouldn't."
"Lee, you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself," she began calmly. "I know you want to give me the very best you can, and I know you want to do right by my family, but there's no need to overdo it." She gave his hands a gentle squeeze and waited for him to meet her gaze. "We're going to have everything we need because we'll be together. Anything else will be a bonus."
A hint of a grin formed on his lips. Amanda relaxed a little, realizing that he was beginning to see her point. "One thing you need to realize is that I'm well aware of what it takes to balance a family and work at the Agency. Believe me, it's no picnic, but like you, I don't want to give it up." She quickly continued to prevent him from interrupting. "My family means a lot to me, and letting you into my life ... into our lives," she quickly amended, "is a big step. But, it's one I make willingly."
He slowly raised one of her hands to his lips and placed a soft kiss on her fingers, then lowered it back down as he once again began to move his thumbs in a circular motion. She grinned, then forced herself to keep her mind focused on what she was saying.
"I know what it's like to sit up in bed at night, worrying about my children, to live in fear that something will happen to them, to struggle with the disagreements and arguments in a marriage." Amanda squeezed his hands. "But, I also know what it's like to share the laughter, the tears, the joys and the pains with my children, and to hug and kiss them each night. I know what it's like to have the comfort of and love of my family, even when life seems to be too much to bear. I can find contentment and peace in the smallest things. Although it would be nice to have the biggest and the best, I can be just as happy with the barest essentials."
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"I'm trying to tell you that it means a lot to me to know you're excited about us getting married. That you want to do everything you can to give me and my family the best you can give." She pulled her right hand from his and reached up to cup his cheek. "But, I also want you to know that I already have the best because I have you. For now, we have to be realistic in our plans. I have a feeling that one day down the road, there will come a time when we won't have to worry as much about everything and will be able to have everything we've ever wanted. When that time comes, we'll make our big plans. Until then, let's just take things one step at a time, all right?"
Lee smiled, and although Amanda could see that he wasn't completely happy about their situation, he understood and knew she was right. A twinkle entered his eyes. "Is that a promise, Mrs. King?"
"Cross my heart and with all my love, Stetson!" She performed the crossing motion over her chest with her free hand before placing it on his chest and directly over his heart.
"I'll take that as a yes." He grinned. "So, does that mean you still want to marry me?"
"Nothing could keep me away!"
"Well, I guess I'll just have to make do, for now. If I can't have everything I want, I guess I can settle for having you."
Amanda reacted to his little barb by giving his chest a firm swat. Lee quickly reached up to capture her hand in his once more as he drew them both to his chest, then pressed them flat against his shirt. His eyes darkened as he gazed intently into her eyes. She felt her pulse quicken at the emotion displayed there.
"But, you know," he began, his voice low and husky, "having you is more than anything I ever dreamed I could have. The rest is just a bonus!" His voice was a warm caress and a soothing balm to her soul.
Amanda nodded and gave him a loving smile. "I couldn't have said it better myself!"
Lee's
hands left hers and moved to frame either side of her face as he slowly
leaned towards her. She held her breath in anticipation of the kiss.
Her eyes fluttered shut as she felt his warm breath on her face just
before his lips covered hers.
"Mom! Are you out there?"
They both heard Jamie's voice from the back door and broke apart.
"Yes, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Amanda called.
"Philip's saying that because he cooked, I have to clean up all the dishes. Can you tell him he has to help too? It's his turn tonight, anyway!" Jamie complained.
Amanda looked at Lee. "I'll be right there, sweetheart!" She reached out to take Lee's hands in hers. "Just think," she began with a grin, "it won't be long until you'll be involved in their lives too."
His reply was full of conviction. "I can hardly wait!"
Amanda gave him a quick kiss then stood. Lee followed suit.
"See you tomorrow?"
"Of course," he replied, placing a quick kiss on her nose. Then, he stepped down from the gazebo and headed for the side of the house.
Amanda watched him go and sighed, then turned to go back into the house, repeating to herself, "Just a little bit longer, just a little bit longer." Everything was going to work out. She was sure of it. They just had to be patient. In the meantime, she would enjoy their relationship and know that as long as they were together, she would be happy. Anything else would be icing on the cake.
(THE END)