For personal use and select distribution only © July 2002 by Amber Stockton

Where We Belong

 

"All right. Let's see, now. I have two root beers that go to Philip and Jamie, one small popcorn with extra butter..."

"That's mine!" Philip called and reached through the window for the box his mother held out.

"Then, there's one small popcorn with regular butter and salt."

"That's mine," Jamie said from beside his brother in the back seat of the Wagoneer.

Amanda handed the second box to her younger son, then glanced between them both. "Oh, and Philip, I didn't have enough money to get the Red Hots." She looked at Jamie. "Or the Mike 'n Ikes."

"That's okay, Mom," Jamie replied.

"Yeah, figures you'd be the one to kiss up, dorkface," Philip retorted.

"Philip!" Amanda warned.

"Sorry, Mom," he replied, duly chagrined.

"You don't need that candy anyway. Rot your teeth out before you're twenty," she added, returning her attention to the remaining items in her hands. "So, that leaves two cokes and a medium popcorn for us," she finished with a smile at Lee who sat in the driver's seat and smiled back at her through the open window.

Lee took the box of popcorn and two drinks from her. "Amanda, why don't I take these. You get in here and get off your feet."

"All right. Thank you." Once she was comfortably seated in the front passenger seat of the car, she leaned her head back against the headrest and released a sigh. For at least a couple of peaceful moments, the boys were quietly eating their popcorn, and Amanda could enjoy the silence.

Lee's hand touched the back of her neck and began to lightly massage the muscles. "Whoa, you're really tight!"

"Yeah, I know," she replied and rolled her head to stretch out some of the kinks.

"Come here." His voice was soft, like a warm caress, as he gently encouraged her to pivot in the seat and turn her back towards him.

His hands immediately began to work out the stiffness in her neck and shoulders, and she could feel herself succumb to his loving touch. The separation between the seats wasn't exactly conducive to a good massage, but it was at least helping. When Lee had suggested that they take the boys to the drive-in tonight, she had hesitated. Work had been extremely strenuous this week, even though she had spent most of it in the office, doing research for a major drug ring operating out of the suburbs of D.C. They were hoping to get a break very soon that would snap a link in the chain and gain them access from the inside. Until then, she spent her hours going through files on the computer and on paper, trying to make the necessary connections that would give them what they needed.

Tonight, however, she was going to enjoy an evening out with Lee and her boys ... their boys, even if he couldn't publicly claim them as such. A nice double-feature was just what she needed, and she intended to take her mind off of work enough to appreciate it.

"Aww, come on, Mom!" Philip's voice was heard from the back seat. "If you two are going to sit like that, Jamie and me won't be able to see the movie, and it's about to start."

"Jamie and I," Amanda immediately corrected, her mothering instincts speaking for her.

"I can see just fine," Jamie added.

"That's because you're sitting over there by the window and your view's not blocked."

Turned her head over her right shoulder, Amanda opened her eyes and glanced at Philip to see the obvious impatience on his face. "Well, do you have a better idea?"

"Yeah, why don't you and Lee come back here and Jamie and me ... Jamie and I will take the front seats. You know you won't catch *us* with our arms around each other, so you'll be able to see through the middle of us."

She couldn't help but smile at her son's logic, not to mention the way he not so subtly commented on her and Lee's relationship. Lee's hands stopped their massage, and she shifted her position to be facing forward once more. Then, she glanced over at Lee. He winked to show her he liked the idea. One look at the teasing gleam sparkling in those hazel eyes, and she was helpless to resist.

"All right. You have a good point," she conceded. "Let's get this done quickly, though. I know the preshow up there is about over, and I'm sure you fellas don't want to miss the beginning of Superman."

"Yes!" Philip exclaimed.

For the next few minutes, they all played musical seats as they grabbed their popcorn and drinks and got out just to get back into the car, opposite from where they had been. Finally, everyone was settled, and the screen in front of them went dark as the movie was about to start.

"Philip, I think you can turn on the radio, now. Tune it in to AM-1160."

"Okay."

Static, intermittent voices and partial words were heard as Philip tuned the dial on the radio, creating a sound that resembled a foreign language. Finally, the music from the opening credits was heard, so he turned up the volume a little, then settled back in the seat.

"You boys behave yourselves up there, and please don't touch anything on the dashboard."

"Okay," Jamie immediately replied.

Philip glanced over his shoulder with a partial grin on his lips. "You two behave yourselves, too." His voice held a hint of sarcasm, and Amanda watched Lee gesture with his finger in a circular motion to tell Philip to turn back around and face forward. Just before he complied, she caught his wink at Lee, and she just shook her head. At least she knew she had no worries where Philip was concerned. He all but worshipped the ground beneath Lee's feet. Jamie was gradually coming around, but it certainly hadn't been anywhere near as easy with him as it was with Philip. However, she knew there wasn't any real cause for concern.

"So, are you going to spend the entire double-feature over there?"

Amanda started out of her thoughts and turned her head to look at Lee. He smiled, then lifted his arm to silently encourage her to slide over, the box of popcorn in his lap. Holding her drink in one hand, she scooted the few inches until she was snuggled against him and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"Now, isn't that better?" he whispered against her hair.

"Mmm, Philip was right. This works out much nicer," she murmured, reaching into the box for a few pieces of popcorn.

"I couldn't agree more. Shame we can't make better use of the backseat, though," he teased, and she nudged him with her shoulder in response. He chuckled quietly and kissed the top of her head. "Well, at least we can enjoy the movies. I just wish Superman was second. I'm not too keen on Batman."

"This was your choice, remember? You're the one who suggested this."

"I thought the boys would like it."

"Are you guys going to talk through both movies?" Philip asked from the front seat.

"We're sorry, sweetheart. We'll keep it quiet," Amanda replied.

"I guess that's a hint, huh?" Lee whispered.

"Yeah," she whispered back, "a non-subtle one." She heard Lee's chuckle, then his arm tightened around her, and she snuggled more against him as she prepared to enjoy the evening.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

"Oh man! That was great! Lee, thanks for suggesting it!"

"No problem, Philip," Lee replied as he pulled the Wagoneer into the line of cars leaving the drive-in.

"I'm really glad they had Batman, too," Jamie added. "I think it'd be cool to have the Batmobile for a car to drive."

"Nah, Superman's way more awesome! He's got the heat from his eyes that can melt stuff and his cold breath that can freeze stuff. Then, there's his super strength and his ability to fly, not to mention how he moves at supersonic speed and can catch bullets!"

"Well, Batman's got the cool car, and that huge computer in the Bat Cave. You have to be really smart to know how to use that. Besides, his cape can keep him safe from fire and bullets."

"I still say Superman's better. What do you think, Mom?"

Lee caught Amanda's glance and looked at her from the corner of his eye as she replied. "I think they're both great, sweetheart, each for their own reasons."

"Aww, come on, Mom!" Philip complained. "You can't take the easy way out. You have to pick!"

"No, she doesn't. She can pick them both if she wants," Jamie countered.

"There you go again, kissing up, wormbreath!"

"Philip! How many times do I have to tell you not to call your brother names?"

"But, Mom..."

"No, buts!" she interrupted. "Now apologize."

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"Not to me, to your brother."

Philip turned towards Jamie, who was sitting quietly in the seat behind Amanda. "Hey, bro. Sorry. Are we cool?" He held out his fist in a placating gesture.

"Yeah," Jamie mumbled, knocking fists with Philip.

"That's better. Now, let's see if we can keep this up until we get home." Amanda remarked, then turned around to face forward, her left arm resting on the divider between the front seats.

Lee placed his hand over hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He turned his head a little to look at her and smile, and when she smiled in return, he winked and focused again on driving as he maneuvered into the traffic on the street and pointed the car towards Maplewood Drive.

Fifteen minutes later, he pulled the Wagoneer into the drive, and everyone piled out, the boys running to the front door.

"Philip! Jamie!" Amanda scolded quietly. "You boys need to be quiet. It's late, and there's a lot of folks in bed at this hour, including your grandmother."

"Sorry, Mom," they chorused, then continued at a walk to the front of the house.

Lee came around the car and took her hand in his as they followed behind the boys. Philip used his key to let them in, and as soon as they door was open, he headed for the kitchen, Jamie right behind him. Lee stepped inside behind Amanda and closed the door.

"Now, wait just a minute!" Amanda's voice caused the boys to stop and turn around to face her. "It's almost midnight, and you boys don't need a single thing to eat. You need to brush your teeth and hit the sack." Lee saw them start to protest, but as usual, Amanda was one step ahead of them. "Up you go. Go on, go on. Move it." They dragged their feet and started to ascend the stairs, but stopped when she spoke again. "Aren't you forgetting something?" she said, stepping to the bottom of the stairs.

Almost reluctantly, they leaned down to simultaneously kiss her cheeks, then turned and headed for their rooms.

"Goodnight, boys!"

"Night, Mom," they chorused in reply.

"They really are good kids," Lee remarked as soon as the boys disappeared around the corner.

"Yes, they are," Amanda agreed and turned around to face him.

"You got a real good handle on them, too."

She shrugged. "All part of the job."

He stepped forward and placed his hands at her waist, then leaned down to kiss her cheek. "A job you do very well."

"Thank you." She smiled and dipped her head.

"Now that we're finally alone..." he whispered in a husky voice as he lowered his head.

Her hands touched the front of his shirt and slowly slid up to rest at his shoulders as she lifted her face to his. He smiled just before touching his lips to hers. Tightening his hold, he pulled Amanda closer and started to deepen the kiss, but something stopped him.

"Amanda? Is something wrong?"

Her response was a little too quick. "No, why?"

He shrugged. "No reason. You just seem a little different tonight."

"Probably tired. It's been a busy day."

"Yeah, you got that..."

"Move over, Philip! I need to use the mirror, too!" Jamie's voice came floating down from the top of the stairs.

"Well, you'll just have to wait until I'm done!"

Lee glanced up and grimaced, then felt Amanda pull away. "I'd better take care of that before world war three breaks out."

He watched her step up onto the landing. "Want me to wait for you?"

She paused and sighed, then turned to face him, and he didn't like the look that came into her eyes. "Lee, I think I need to get some sleep tonight. I really am very tired, and the boys have soccer tryouts tomorrow, so it's another busy day for me."

"Well, I promise we'll get plenty of sleep." He stepped closer and took her hands in his. "I miss you and just want to have my wife with me when I sleep. Scout's honor." He grinned and dropped her left hand to hold up two fingers of his right.

She reached up to push his hand back down. "You were never a scout." He could see she was beginning to weaken a little, but she held firm to her resolve. Suppressing a yawn, she gave his hand a squeeze. "Not tonight."

Lee released a sigh, but reluctantly nodded. "Are we still on for dinner tomorrow night?"

"Hurry up, Philip!"

"Just hold your horses, all right!"

"Yes," she quickly replied and glanced up the stairs.

"Good. I've got to meet with a couple of contacts tomorrow, but I'll pick you up at five." He leaned forward and placed a brief kiss on her lips, then released her hands and stepped towards the door.

"I love you."

He turned around at her words and smiled. "I love you, too." Then, he opened the door and stepped outside, pulling it closed behind him.

As he walked to his car, he couldn't help but turn around and look back at the house, wondering if he would ever be able to call it home. He and Amanda had been married for almost seven months, but they saw less of each other now than when they were just dating. It seemed that cases at work had them going in opposite directions more than they had them working together, and if it wasn't work, it was Amanda's involvements in the community or her family responsibilities, or his obligations to his contacts.

With a resigned sigh, he walked through the front gate and stepped down into the street as he walked around the front of his car. It wasn't enough, and they both knew it. If they didn't do something about it soon, things were going to explode, and he didn't know if he wanted to be there when they did. He got into his car and started it, determined to talk to Amanda tomorrow night after dinner.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

"Mmm, dinner was delicious." Amanda leaned back against the couch and placed her head on his shoulder.

"Glad you liked it." His arm slipped around her shoulders and gave her a gentle squeeze. "It's a recipe the Colonel taught me. The trick with Kaese Spatzen is to sauté the onions with butter and toss in some Swiss cheese. Some people fry the onions and forget the cheese."

"Well, my stomach thanks you for the special delight." She patted her abdomen. "I don't think I could eat another bite. That and the strudel was enough to last me until dinner tomorrow!"

"That's good to know," he whispered, "because I intend to kidnap you tonight and tomorrow and we may not get around to eating much."

His right hand touched her chin and turned her head towards his as he claimed her lips in a kiss that was just a promise of what was to come. As much as she wanted nothing more than to surrender to his touch and agree to his plans, she knew she couldn't. She pulled back and looked into Lee's darkened eyes, and an immediate hint of a question appeared in them.

"Lee, I can't spend the day with you tomorrow. Did you forget that Mother and I are going to the flea market to look for that a set of pitcher and basins to match the ones she has in her room?"

"Yeah, but I figured it could wait for next weekend."

"Well, the boys will be with Joe and Carrie all day tomorrow, so I promised Mother I'd go with her. I can't break that promise this late." Amanda reached out and smoothed her left hand across his chest, then whispered, "I'm sorry, Lee," hoping to erase the annoyed look in his eyes at her words.

"I guess that means tonight's out as well, since I'm sure you'll be up bright and early to get a head start on things." He sighed and turned away, his arm leaving its place around her shoulders and falling to his side.

"Well, you could always come back to the house."

"And have your mother walk in on us tomorrow morning? Somehow, that thought doesn't sound too appealing, not to mention the questions it would raise from her when she sees me there."

"Not if I lock the door," she countered. "Joe will be picking up the boys early. You could stay in the room until after Mother and I leave and make sure your car is parked down the street. She'll never suspect a thing."

"Amanda," Lee sighed, his voice sounding extremely annoyed, "you know as well as I do that it's not going to work. We'd have to wait until your mother went to sleep, then we'd be sneaking around all night and continuing it tomorrow morning while the two of you got ready to leave. Once you were gone, I'd sneak out again and come back here ... alone."

"You could always come with us.

"Spending an entire day rummaging through tables at a flea market?" He gave a derisive chuckle. "No thanks."

"Well, you're the one complaining that we don't have enough time together. At least we'd be together."

He turned his head and pinned her with an intense look. "Amanda, that's not exactly what I had in mind."

She backed away a little and stiffened, feeling her anger start to rise. "Maybe not, but spending time together doesn't always have to involve a bed!"

"And who says it would?" His voice got a little louder. "We've spent plenty of days together without it. I figured tomorrow would be a good day for another one ... but you're busy."

Affronted by his accusations, she stood, doing her best to temper her emotions. "So, now this is my fault?" She gestured her hand vaguely in his direction. "You didn't exactly make it clear prior to this evening that you wanted to spend the day with me, so how was I to know you didn't have something else to do? I'm not the only one who's busy outside of work! You've been spending a lot of time with Auggie or T.P. or whoever else is on that family list of yours. You couldn't even make it to soccer tryouts with the boys today because of meetings!"

Lee stood at that remark and faced her, his eyes flashing with barely controlled rancor. "Most of the time it's business, but other times, I'm keeping in touch with those who have done a lot for me over the years."

"And what about your real family? What about me and the boys? Are those people on your list more important than we are?"

"No, and you know it!" He paused and sighed. "You and the boys and I aren't a real family in every sense of the word, anyway."

"And whose fault is that?" He didn't say a word in reply, but Amanda saw him clench his jaw and noticed the tick in his cheek. However, none of that changed how she felt at that moment. "Lee, I'm tired of having to explain my whereabouts all the time. I'm tired of living in two places at once, feeling pulled between two different lives. I'm tired of stealing moments here and there, wondering when the next time is going to be. Most of all, I'm tired of being tired. And if you're not going to be part of the solution, if you're not going to do something about it, then maybe we need to think about this."

He leaned against the edge of the couch and crossed his arms. "What are you saying, Amanda?"

"I'm saying that I need some time by myself, and I think you do, too."

"Oh, so now you know what's best for me as well as everyone else?" He straightened and glared across the space separating them.

"Well, you certainly don't seem to be coming up with any answers!" she countered, gesturing wildly with her right arm and directing it at him in an accusatory manner. "If you have something better, let's hear it!" She placed her hands defiantly on her hips and waited, her jaw clenched and her back stiff.

For several moments, they just stood there and stared each other down, neither one willing to concede, and the tension between them crackling like splintered wood in a roaring fire. Amanda watched as a myriad of emotions crossed Lee's face, but anger was prevalent through them all, and that only caused her own ire to increase.

"Fine! Since you obviously can't come up with anything, I think we'd better call it a night. I'm going home!" She turned and walked around the couch towards the door, picking up her purse on the way.

"If that's the way you want it, Amanda, then go. Remember who left, though!"

Amanda froze in place at his words, struggling with the frustration of their situation, the hurt his words caused, and the anger she felt at his seeming lack of remorse for any of it. Whipping around to face him, she glared. "Well, it's obvious that staying is only going to cause more things to be said that we may later regret. You don't seem to be the least bit interested in even meeting me halfway." He started to respond, but she held up her hand, forcing her voice to remain as calm as she could manage under the circumstances. "That's why I suggested that we take some time to think about this and come back to talk about it when we've both cooled off. Nothing is going to get solved like this."

"I don't like this anymore than you do, Amanda, but I don't know how else to change it."

"Then, maybe you should try harder," she snapped, turning and wrenching the door open in a fit of anger. A sudden realization made her pause.

"Well? I thought you were leaving," he stated, his voice laced with sarcasm.

"I can't. You drove," she stated succinctly.

"Fine!"

She heard him sigh and walk up behind her, and for a fleeting moment, she wanted to simply turn around and release the dam that held back the river of tears she knew would fall if she broke down and let them.

"Are you going or not?"

His voice and his words squelched any desire she had to turn to him for comfort, and she swung the door open with a jerk, letting it swing back and hit the stopper on the floor with force as she straightened her back and stormed into the hall. When she reached the elevator, she punched the down button, not even looking at him when he came to stand next to her. His attempt to distance himself was obvious, as there was enough space between them for another person to stand. Even on the ride down, he stood on one side and she stood on the other.

When the door opened on the ground floor, he let her go out first, and she didn't even bother to wait for him as she proceeded to head for his car. The ride back to her house was done in complete silence, and Amanda kept her head turned out the window, not even willing to act like he was there. Part of it was because she knew if she looked at him, she'd break down and admit how truly hurt she was by all of this, and part of it was because her pride wouldn't let her give in. If he wanted to make amends, he'd have to make the first move.

The car stopped at the curb in front of her house, and she shoved the door open to get out, slamming it closed as she headed for the front door without a backwards glance. With a squeal of tires, he drove off, and she had to take several moments outside on the front step to compose herself before going in.

As she placed her hand on the door to open it, a gleam caught her eye and caused her to look down to see where her engagement ring and wedding band rested. They were a symbol of the love and commitment she and Lee shared, a love that had definitely been tested this past year, and a commitment that right now seemed too hard to keep. With a soft sigh, she slowly slid the rings from her finger and slipped them into the small zipper pocket of her purse, then stepped into the house.

Immediately, she heard Philip and Jamie in the kitchen, most likely fixing a snack, so she pasted a smile on her face and entered the living room. "Hello, fellas!"

"Hey, Mom!" they chorused.

"How was dinner?"

"It was good," Jamie replied.

"What did you have?"

"Grandma made hamburgers and a salad. She said we had enough junk food at soccer tryouts today."

"Well, your grandmother is right, Philip. You two were eating every time I turned around," she gestured towards the counter where they were each dishing out a bowl of ice cream, "and you still are."

"We're growing boys, Mom," Philip quipped.

Amanda glanced at Jamie who shrugged his shoulders and gave her a half-grin. She walked behind him and tousled his hair. "Well, you know what, ice cream sounds really good about now. Mind if I have some with you?" she asked as she reached into the cabinet and pulled down a bowl.

"Help yourself!"

The boys finished and stepped aside, and Amanda placed two scoops into her bowl, then closed the lid. She handed the cardboard container to Jamie, who took it from her and put it back in the freezer. "So, where is your grandmother?"

"Oh, she's outside reading."

The teakettle whistled, and the back door opened. "I'm right here," Dotty called as she stepped inside from the backyard and came over to the three of them. "Hello, dear," she said and placed a quick kiss on Amanda's cheek. "The boys are right. Since you're home, would you mind if I made myself scarce the rest of the night? I want to soak in a bubble bath and enjoy this new novel I'm reading."

"Not at all, Mother," Amanda replied, placing a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth and savoring the cold sweetness.

"Bless you," Dotty replied, gesturing with her hand in Amanda's direction as she poured hot water into her teacup and added a spoonful of sugar. "It's a really good book about an American woman who's held captive by a Russian KGB agent, and the man she loves has to come save her."

Amanda couldn't help but allow a small grin to form on her lips. "Mother, you say all of those books that you read are good."

"Well, that's because they are!" Dotty stated, lifting her book in one hand and her teacup in the other. "Anyway, I'm going to take my book and my tea and soak in some refreshing lavender bubbles. You three enjoy the rest of the night!" she called and disappeared upstairs.

"Goodnight, Grandma!" the boys called after her.

Amanda ate another spoonful of ice cream and watched Philip and Jamie walk over to the coffee table where a chess board was set up. Something seemed a little off tonight, and she had a feeling her family was walking on glass with her. That made her wonder how much, if anything, they had heard or seen of what had transpired between her and Lee just a few minutes ago. They didn't act any different, but no one had asked her about her evening, either. They must have heard the squeal of his tires as he left, so it was obvious they were simply giving her space, something she desperately needed.

The boys started their game, and Amanda's thoughts began to wander as she continued to eat her ice cream. She was vaguely aware of the continued argument between Philip and Jamie over which was better, brains or strength, and she almost regretted taking them to see the double-feature last night. That thought startled her. Was it only last night they had gone? So much had happened, it hardly seemed possible that only twenty-four hours had passed. She was still tired, but it was more from emotional exhaustion than physical.

Her thoughts shifted to the reason for the emotional rollercoaster she'd been on recently, then to the one she'd been riding for the past four years, although to a slightly lesser extent. There wasn't a moment of those four years that she regretted, but she certainly was having her doubts now. So much about Lee was easy to love -- his laughter, his smile, his eyes, his strength, the way he could make her feel better with just a touch. This recent argument would have been a lot easier to handle, if Lee hadn't been so hot-headed. Instead, he seemed to act like their problems were all her fault, and she knew they weren't. Part of her wondered if he was struggling on his own with these issues, too, but just unable to put his feelings into words. Another part of her wasn't willing to give him that much credit.

She knew things had been escalating to this point for quite some time, but that didn't make it any easier to accept. They'd had their disagreements before, but they'd always been able to work them out fairly soon after having them. This time, she was sure it wasn't going to be an easy fix. Still, that didn't mean she had stopped loving him. In fact, she felt his absence even more and resisted the urge to pick up the phone to call him, to tell him she was sorry and ask if he wanted to talk about it. That was when her pride got the better of her, and she dug in her heels, unwilling to make the first step, when he seemed to be the one to feel she was at fault.

The voices of her boys penetrated her thoughts, and she glanced down to find her ice cream nothing more than soup. She tried to focus on the conversation taking place in the living room, but she felt like she was existing in a surrealistic world, lost in the realm of her recent parting from Lee and feeling like she had only to step out of it and everything would be all right.

"Let's ask Mom," she heard Jamie say and saw the two of them approach from the other room. "Do you think it's better to be smart or better to be strong?"

"What do you mean, sweetheart?" she managed, trying her best to give them her full attention.

"Well, like Superman and Batman," Philip supplied. "Jamie here," he said, jerking his thumb in his brother's direction, "thinks girls like a guy with a brain more than a guy with muscles."

"Like Lee. What do you like best about him? His intelligence or his strength?"

Amanda looked back and forth between her two sons, their faces expectantly waiting her answer to put an end to this argument between them. However, their faces were quickly replaced by Lee's handsome and smiling one, and she felt the sting of tears begin to blur her vision.

"Mom? Are you okay?"

She took a deep breath and blindly swiped her hand across her eyes in a failed attempt to remove the trace of tears she knew they could see. "I'm ... sorry," she managed to rasp, knowing that she was on the verge of breaking down in front of her boys, and she would do anything before doing that. "I'm ... sorry," she said again. "I need ... to take a walk. I'll ... be back."

Unable to keep her emotions in check any longer, she hastily turned and ran out the back door of the house. Blindly rushing across the patio, she circled the latticework and grabbed a hold of the side that framed the entrance as she whipped herself around and came to a halt just inside the gazebo. One look at the memories from the times she and Lee had spent here was all it took. The dam immediately burst and the tears flooded from her eyes as heart-wrenching cries escaped from her lips. She collapsed to the wooden floor and rested her arms on her knees, then dropped her head onto her arms, the sobs wracking her body.

She lost all track of time as she sat there, the stress and strain and frustration just merging together and bursting forth from her like a balloon pricked with a needle. A wealth of emotions and feelings flowed through her as she cried, and the tears acted like a cleansing balm to her weary soul. Until now, she hadn't realized just how much this secret marriage and everything that came with it was affecting her. Until now, she thought things were going fine, but that was just her way of pretending that they were. In reality, she'd been in denial since the first time Lee had suggested they not tell anyone, and that realization was almost too much to bear.

More than anything, she wanted to feel Lee's arms around her, holding her close to his heart and telling her everything would be all right. More than anything, she wanted him to whisper words of love to her, reassure her that they would get through this and confess that he was struggling just as much as she was. Although her pride had been wounded by his words earlier that evening, and her heart had nearly broken at walking away from him, she knew that he wasn't exactly out enjoying his evening either. She knew in her heart that he was hurting as much as she was. She could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it in his touch. Lifting her tear-streaked face to the night sky, she focused on the seven stars that formed the Big Dipper, and her gaze followed the string out to the North Star.

A feeling of peace washed over her, and she took a deep, cleansing breath, then wiped the tears from her eyes. With firm resolution, she stood, dusted off her jeans and started to turn back towards her house. The cool night air called to her, though, and she decided to go for a walk. As she turned the corner, each step she took brought one more bit of comfort to her, and each breath she took gave her the strength she needed to face this situation with Lee. For better or worse ... for all the days of our lives. Those were the vows she had spoken to Lee nearly seven months ago, and she intended to keep them. Just because the road got a little bumpy didn't mean she should get off. They would get through this. She was sure of it.

The rumble of a car engine penetrated her ears, so she instinctively stepped closer to the grass on the sidewalk. As she heard it getting closer, she paused and glanced over her shoulder, then resumed walking when she saw that it was still halfway down the street. She could hear it accelerate, and the screech of the tires caused her to stop and immediately turn around. The headlights blinded her, and she tried to jump out of the way, but it was too late.

Landing in a crumpled form on the grass, she was barely aware of the squeal of the tires and the acceleration of the car as it drove off. Images of her boys, of her mother, of Lee all flashed through her mind, and she felt like she was outside of her body, looking down on it. She knew the pain was probably intense, but she couldn't feel a thing.

"Mrs. King!"

A worried voice penetrated her subconscious, and she knew she recognized it, but she couldn't place it.

"Mrs. King!" the voice said again. "Can you hear me? Just lie still. Connie! Call an ambulance, now!" he hollered.

Amanda turned her head towards the source of the voice. The blurred image came into view, and she saw two faces swirling above her. Blinking several times, she brought the image into focus and gazed up at the worried face of Jim Peterson, a neighbor she'd known for at least fifteen years.

"Connie! Did you call the ambulance?"

"Yes, Jim! I told them everything, and they're on their way," the other voice spoke.

"Good, now get me some paper, so I can write down the license plate of that idiot," he instructed.

"Yes, dear."

A moment later, Amanda heard someone return and shifted her gaze to find Jim's wife approaching. Connie covered her mouth, and Amanda knew that things must look pretty bad. She still couldn't connect the reality of the situation with the pain she knew she should be feeling, and somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew she was in shock.

"Mother!" she suddenly said.

"Don't worry, Amanda," Connie reassured her. "I sent John down to tell her. You just lie still and don't move."

After that, everything became a blur -- the siren of the ambulance, the words of the paramedics who transferred her to a stretcher, her mother demanding to ride with her daughter, the reassurances that she was going to be all right. It all flashed through her subconscious, but none of it seemed to register. Finally, a euphoric feeling coursed through her, and she realized she must have been given a sedative. Her last thought was of her husband, his image in front of her, telling her he loved her. "Lee!" she called out, then slipped into the welcome blackness that called out her name.

go to part 2...

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